Average Dad

“Dad isn’t it weird that the word chicken can mean an animal or a type of food?”

- my kid, on the verge of making a horrific realization

Hanging out with your friends who work in healthcare and somebody will be like then the patient’s jim jam went weeba wubba and everyone else will be like OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIOXNFVSGAYWIFKGDV

*visibly frustrated 2yo, makes a throwing motion towards me with her arm*

Me: uh what was that?

2: I throw tantrum!

For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere

- my 5yo, unprompted

Me: hey kid what are you doing over there?

2yo: not being a stinker

Me: is that soooOOOOOOOOHH MY GOD WHO LEFT THE MARKERS OUT