Maxine Pye

Spent a week in Portugal breaking every rule the NHS ever gave.

I ate eggs daily. I had steak. I ate local sardines, cheese and bacon. Nothing out of a packet with 47 ingredients. And I sat in the sun with no factor 50.

I slept like a baby and my nervous system had a full factory reset. No supplements, no app, just sun and real food.

Meanwhile the locals in their 80s were marching up hills I needed a sit-down after.

People talk about the Mediterranean diet like it's all vegetables and olive oil.

But the reality is grilled fish, pork, lamb, eggs, cheese, animal fat. And red wine. People walking everywhere, sitting in the sun, eating late and slowly with family, and having a nap when they felt like it. Nobody rushing, nobody grazing on "healthy snacks", nobody living on cortisol and a meal deal.

That's why they live longer. Not because someone drizzled oil on a lettuce leaf. It's the whole way they live, and you can't sell that in a bottle at the supermarket.

Most people leave a 7 minute appointment with more questions than they went in with.

Something that has already read your blood work, explains what it means and talks to your doctor for you? That's the bit the NHS forgot.

Cardiologist: "Your heart's not where we'd like it. Here's a booklet on eating better."

Patient: "From who?"

Cardiologist: "The British Heart Foundation."

Patient: "And what's the biggest slice of the plate?"

Cardiologist: "Starchy foods. Potatoes, bagels, spaghetti, cereal, rice."

Patient: "What do those turn into?"

Cardiologist: "Glucose, eventually."

Patient: "And the dairy?"

Cardiologist: "Semi-skimmed milk. Soya drink. Low-fat yoghurt. Low-fat soft cheese."

Patient: "Where's the fat gone?"

Cardiologist: "Out. That's the point."

Patient: "And the protein?"

Cardiologist: "A smaller slice than the bagels. Lean mince, chickpeas, a tin of beans."

Patient: "Lower salt and sugar beans."

Cardiologist: "Exactly."

Patient: "So I've come to the heart clinic, and the treatment is a bakery, a carton of soya milk and a tin of beans with less sugar in."

Cardiologist: "It's the Eatwell Guide."

Patient: "Has anyone in this waiting room got better eating it?"

Cardiologist: "...We hand out a lot of booklets."

The potato is having a moment again. Apparently it's the king of fat loss now.

Lovely for it. Here's the bit Team Potato keeps forgetting to mention.

In the international glycaemic index tables, a plain boiled potato scores 78. Table sugar scores 65.

Gram of carb for gram of carb, the "healthy" potato sends blood sugar up faster than the sugar bowl.

But do carry on telling us starchy foods should be just over a third of what we eat. What could possibly go wrong.

My nan had potatoes most days too. Meat and two veg, cooked in dripping.

But her potato came with a proper lump of meat and fat, and nobody followed it with a low-fat yoghurt and three biscuits at 9pm.

The potato was never the meal. It was the thing next to the meal.

Somewhere along the way we kept the potato, binned the dripping, and then acted surprised when everyone's starving again by 4pm.

Me? Steak for one, potato optional. No one to fight over the fatty bits with, which suits me fine.

Team potato or team pass the beef?

One of these is made by a cow.

The other is made in a factory and needs a marketing department.

Butter: cream, salt. That's it.

The spread: turn the tub round and read the back. Take your time. I'll put the kettle on.

Now guess which one the NHS lists under "foods high in saturated fats", and which one it files under fats that "help protect your heart".

Go on. I'll wait.

Same NHS page, by the way, admits lower-fat foods aren't always lower in calories, because "sometimes the fat is replaced with sugar."

Brilliant. Glad we sorted that out.

I'm single and over 50, so nobody else gets a vote on what's in my fridge. It's the one made by the cow.

Which one's in yours?