Jonathan Mangum

I don’t often drink, but when I do, its wine every night for the last 30 years.

In LA, all the crosswalk signs just say "Don't Walk"

Sat next to a stranger on a bench. He said, "Nice Day". I was like, "Its the only one we got." His face turned pale and he handed me his keys. Not sure what I did but now I own a Buick and a lighthouse.

On hold for an HOUR. Music stopped and a voice said, "Thank you for holding". I said "You're welcome." He said, "Who's this?" Turns out he doesn't work there. Wrong number.

I think I sleep soundly, but when I wake up, somehow the elastic fitted sheet ends up halfway in my mouth, my hand is numb, and there's a sock in my ass.