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Straight Florida

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@StraightFlorida

Florida comic saying what most Floridians actually think about tourists and other local nonsense.
Florida, USA straightflorida.printful.me Joined April 2023
82 Following 27K Followers 12K Posts

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Straight Florida Verified account @StraightFlorida
The Snow-Karens are back! 鈿狅笍

I was followed through Publix today by a few deranged liberal women (AWFL's) trying to shame me on social media for walking by them, explaining to my son why more and more people are wearing masks. "It's when the liberals from up north come down to let us know how much more virtuous and better than us they are" I said. That was apparently enough for these two masked Winter Wench's to follow us through the entire store, filming us for their social media to shame us in their Ohio Facebook safety groups. The pretentious entitlement is so thick you could cut it with a gender affirming knife. 馃う

Look, I did not ask for you to come here; in fact, I dedicate my entire online existence to encouraging you not to come here and stay home. This is the free state of Florida, but once a year you idiots come down and try and shame us into turning into the dystopian shit holes you fled from. This is reason 96,439 why us locals cannot stand you and dread the months of October-May. Please go home; we do not need your lectures on how we are beneath you. The reality is you are some of the most vile and obnoxious human beings to exist on this planet.

If you hate us so much, please stop coming here. 馃樂馃ぁ馃枙
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1.4K replies 3.4K reposts 19K likes 618K views View on X
Straight Florida Verified account @StraightFlorida
Meet Vinny the douche. 馃ぁ

Vinny's got two more brain cells than the rest of the guidos back in Hoboken. He knows the Florida sun hits about 100 times harder than the tanning bed he bakes in every Tuesday.

Sure, Vinny could've paddle boarded at Asbury Park. Where's the fun in that when he can fly down here, clog up our beaches, and tell everybody how much better the bagels are in Jersey? 馃椊

So he suits up for combat. 1994 bucket hat. Three gallons of SPF 100 spackled onto his face. Full body wetsuit so he doesn't look like a radioactive nudist from Chernobyl. Then he launches his ethically sourced paddle board made from recycled tampons and Aqua Net cans.

What Vinny didn't realize is Flipper and Gerald just wrapped up an emergency city council meeting on the ocean floor. Top agenda item: purging discount Drakkar Noir from Florida waters...

No warning shots. Pure tactical precision. A coordinated pod locked onto the invasive species like a heat-seeking missile.
One pissed off porpoise later, Vinny got body checked harder than Harry Sisson standing between Chris Christie and a hot dog stand at Yankee Stadium. 馃尛馃挜

Turns out, the ocean has zero tolerance for cheap cologne, and Vinny just g
ot evicted...

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9 replies 18 reposts 103 likes 3.9K views View on X
Straight Florida Verified account @StraightFlorida
No video tonight y'all. I burned every last credit working on merch and it's stupid good. 馃槸

The store's already live. Murder Logs tees, Snow-Karens tees, Yankee Tears mugs and the Straight Florida hat. Rep real Florida and keep this page running at the same time. Every order helps!

A whole lot more weird Florida stuff is coming right behind it.

straightflorida.printful.me

Goodnight Florida. Lock your doors and check under the car for gators. 馃悐
0 replies 5 reposts 25 likes 890 views View on X
Straight Florida Verified account @StraightFlorida
They call you a fascist while blocking the interstate, shutting down your business, getting you fired and trying to throw their opponents in jail. 馃檮

Two guys took shots at Trump and Charlie Kirk got killed on a college campus, but sure, the guy with a flag on his truck is the threat. Merriam-Webster defines a bigot as someone intolerantly devoted to their own opinions, so they're not fighting fascism, they're cosplaying it with endless pronouns. 馃ぁ馃う馃徎