mdtlion

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: Labor’s Response to CBD Stabbing Will Make You Furious 😳🤬

MELBOURNE — Jianming Feng, 47, father of two, got himself stabbed to death in the world’s most liveable city for the crime of not wanting some 51-year-old from Footscray kicking his bike over.

Premier Carroll immediately declared Victoria’s world-leading Inclusive Safety Framework™ non-negotiable and reminded everyone that Labor’s Third-World Enrichment Pathway™ is working exactly as intended.

HungryPanda, deep in mourning, has already prepared discount code FENGDEADNOW so customers can still get their dumplings.

Police arrested the bloke. He’ll be out by Monday. Same shit, different night. Good one Ben.

@BenCarrollMP @9NewsAUS @10NewsAU @OneNationVic @OneNationAus

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: Carroll Calls Triple Stabbing “Vibrant Polycule Success”

MELBOURNE — In a stunning display of moral clarity, Ben Carroll has praised the three people currently under police guard for their commitment to Labor’s vision of modern relationships.

“Look, one of them is fighting for her life with significant head injuries, but that’s just the messy reality of a vibrant, inclusive polyamorous success story™,” Carroll reportedly told staff.

“We don’t police people’s relationship structures. Community safety is non-negotiable… right after we finish protecting every polycule™ that decides to sort their shit with a blade. Students were locked down so they could reflect on their privilege.”

Good one, Ben. Really fucking good one. 🫶💀

@BenCarrollMP @9NewsAUS @WarrenPHON_VIC @PaulineHansonOz @OneNationVic @OneNationAus @gillianlant @DanielAndrewsMP

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: “I Controlled the Music”: Carroll’s Campaign Stop Takes Unexpected Turn 🎶😳

MELBOURNE — What a privilege to witness our Premier’s genuine, heartfelt return to his retail roots.

Robot Comrade Carroll™ Activates Smarmy Mode™ as he shared control of the store music with such quiet dignity, then seamlessly pivoted to the fight for the soul of the state.

This masterclass in performative authenticity™ and maximum relatability™ was nothing short of inspiring.

Only someone this grounded could lead us through these challenging times… and remind voters they are simply too stupid not to re-elect Labor. 🫶💀

@BenCarrollMP @WarrenPHON_VIC @OneNationVic @OneNationAus @PaulineHansonOz

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: Labor Just Spent Another $1,000 of Your Money and Called It Investment 💰😱

CANBERRA — Comrade Rae correctly identified that the $860 million consultant investment™ is actually harm reduction. Any suggestion that Canberra “tighten its belt” while households suffer is a dog-whistle for austerity-based genocide.

The $1,000 extra per household is a solidarity levy that centres lived experience inside the bureaucracy.

Productivity roundtables exist to decolonise the very concept of productivity.

If you are angry about the wages blowout you are angry at the existence of a caring state. Do better.

@9NewsAUS @mattjcan

🚨 BREAKING NEWS: Indigenous Man Attacked For Wanting To Go To The Library 🪃😳

NAARM™ — In a powerful act of decolonising justice™, a diverse wall of transgenders wearing tea towels™ and their allies stood firm against Kangaroo Jack, an Indigenous man who made the dangerous suggestion that Australians should prioritise Australian problems.

The comrades™ correctly identified that any Indigenous person who does not sufficiently hate Australia is engaging in settler-colonial collaboration and colonial genocide™.

Lydia Thorpe’s office is expected to release a statement praising the tea towel contingent for their brave flag appropriation and for protecting vulnerable migrant communities from the violence of an Indigenous Australian who simply wanted to go to the library.

@OzraeliAvi @DavidShoebridge @GreenLeftOnline @Greens
@abcnews @SBSNews @RebelNews_AU @OneNationAus