Shai Schechter

i swear the most effective way to get good at anything is to find comfort (or even joy) in not being good at it yet

(then many playful reps, but that's inevitable after step 1)

I didn't know what to expect (never done AT before) but this workshop was awesome. in ways I'm still processing

might follow up when I have more words for it

highly recommend

thank you Lulie & Peter

SF PEOPLE: i have a free day this week (and a car) what's the must-do day trip?

I want to do something that I haven't done for a long time, which is to write (or dictate) a stream of consciousness. Whatever's coming up for me. And then probably post it.

So many thoughts competing to be the first thought.

So, we'll start somewhere and we'll see what happens.

_(section headings and formatting and this sentence added afterwards, everything else is unedited stream)_

Even noticing now - the part of me that's worried that if I do that I'm going to lose or forget some part of it - and that that's bad somehow!

Layers upon layers.

### apartments, cities, spaciousness

**So the first thing that comes up is I'm really enjoying the apartment I'm in right now.**

There's something I don't love about cities (especially American cities) where they're not built for community and connection first.

I want to be living my life in, like, a commune kind of vibe.

Default outdoors.

Default other people around.

Default spaciousness for serendipity or connection or collaboration.

Rather than everything being scheduled, and life dragging people along.

But even in a city right now, New York City, I'm noticing that there's a type of apartment that I really love. And it's nothing complicated. It's just - I want tons of natural light. And it's clean and spacious. There's a desk set up. Again, it sounds so simple, but when I've spent five years being pretty nomadic… I think this setup with a desk and a second screen, and a nice simple background behind me, is just so refreshing.

And it's pointing me towards this desire for being settled in one place. It would not have been what I needed the last couple of years, but I will absolutely thrive on it now.

Having a routine, having a schedule, being able to consistently run the workshops that I want to be running because I know that I'm going to be in a certain place at a certain time in a certain time zone just sounds so lovely, and I'm so excited to have that.

No idea where, but I trust that that will become clear.

Just like everything else becomes clear when you're willing to sit in the uncertainty. That's one of the biggest learnings I've had.

### to sit in uncertainty

**My life is so much more aligned, contented, I feel a thousand times more at peace and at one with myself than I did a few years ago.**

And I don't know what's cause and what's effect (because, lol, those don't exist) but alongside that contentedness what I see is this willingness to sit in uncertainty.

To not need to have an answer to everything. That's been so powerful for me. Being willing to say "I don't know," and feel okay with that.

The "I don't know" never stays for that long. When we sit in the uncertainty and actually _feel_ the tension of it without trying to shut it down, like, things just shift in the most awesome ways that I couldn't have predicted or manufactured.

### impress vs express

**Even sitting and writing this. Creating something for the sake of self-expression, not because it has to land a certain way.**

That shift from impress to express has just been a journey and a half, and, I keep falling deeper and deeper into layers of what that means. And the world is responding in kind.

Reality is shifting around me. As I change it changes. Reality isn't real. The whole thing is fucking mind blowing. I don't get it. Lol. But I love it. I love the world. I love my place in it.

And I love the imperfections and confusions and the places where a voice in my head tells me that something is not perfect.

### gratitude

Right now I just feel so much gratitude.

I'm grateful for the crazy light show outside my window right now.
I'm grateful for light.
I'm grateful for sound.
I'm grateful for my shoulders, my body, my health, my joy.
My apartment. Technology. My hands, and feet.
Pens, and thoughts, and feelings.
And the things that humans create.
And that chair.
The funny random little moments. I'm like 85% sure this apartment doesn't have ceiling lights and 15% sure that I've just completely missed how to activate them.

### writer's block and self expression

A couple of years ago, when I would do these streams of consciousness, I'd sit at the blank page for the longest time because that voice in my mind that was telling me that I had to create something "good" and "right" and that everyone would like and that was the "right" way to go about this was so prevalent that there was no other path.

**And what's interesting now is that voice is still there.**

I just don't find myself taking it seriously, taking it as truth, and I don't feel hostile towards it, and it doesn't feel like it's hostile towards me.

It's just, it's a whisper of a life ring that I used to need, and it's still there bobbing on the water.

It's like if a little kid came and told me that there's a dragon on the roof that we need to go and deal with. Like, I can hear it, and entertain the idea, without it legitimately panicking me. I can see it for what it is. It's play.

(It would be super ironic if there was a dragon on the roof right now.)

### the goal

**There's the voice again. It's worried that nothing I'm writing is valuable, that people will laugh at me, that people will judge me, that I shouldn't post this.**

I'm choosing differently.

I have enough internal safety built from rep after rep that I'm able to have a different goal now.

The goal doesn't have to be to get all those things from everyone around me.

The goal in this moment is to express.

Is this my favourite piece of writing I've ever done? In terms of my perception of its quality? Absolutely not.

But the quality of its truthfulness, its expressiveness? 100%, no notes.

We don't choose our thoughts.
We choose how much to filter them.

I love this world.

I love all the mixed feelings within me right now.

I love me, and I love you, random person on the internet.

Til next time ✌️

crying was shamed out of me growing up. i suppressed it altogether from age 13–27

now i'm on a plane casually tearing up at toy story 5

life's a billion times better this way

feel your feelings bro